Sounding the All Clear

Its been a while since I posted here, and although I got good news over a week ago.. I have only just had the mental energy to write again.

After all of the trauma and turmoil of diagnosis and radical surgery, I wasn’t thinking much about the lymph node and tissue margin biopsy results, because they were a week away……. When all of a sudden , I got a call from the hospital to go in the next day to see the consultant.

The day came and husband took the day off…trying to keep me busy with online shopping and list making for our new house.   The journey in the car was full of useless chatter between us and we arrived at the unit on time.

What went through my head was ‘they are only going to tell me today what they would have told me next week’  and ‘in 20 minutes it will be all over’  but it didn’t make me feel any less nauseous and dizzy.

Clinic was running late and we were finally ushered into a room… not the sitting room with the big box of tissues on the low coffee table from DFS that will always stick in my mind, but the consulting room next door.  I was greeted by a very smiling and upbeat senior registrar and not the consultant….. 2 things in my favour I thought.

It was like a slow motion film, as we were both invited to sit down, with the breast care nurse hovering at the curtains, then a stop of silence as visual contact with the doctor made me feel like I was awaiting some kind of sentence… and the decision was in that pile of pink paper she was steadying on the desk

Silence broke..

“I am not going to ask you how you are Marion, because I can see in your eyes that you just want the verdict.    Its good news…  7 Lymph nodes clear, Tissue Margins clear, Tissue from right breast clear.  We want you to take Tamoxifen to suppress any oestrogen production and to make doubly sure, we want to give you a few weeks of radiotherapy when you are healed”  Its amazing how I remember and savour every word she said.

The reason I was called in early was because they were inundated with new cases, and there was a gap, where the consultant thought I would like to hear the good news earlier.

I know that there is a chance that it can return.. but for now, I am no longer a sufferer ..but a survivor

The World Keeps Spinning Whilst I sit Still

Recuperation is not in my vocabulary…

Over Christmas and New Year, I had the mother of all colds, and I carried on working with the assistance of Messrs. Sudafed and Nurofen….   I didn’t have a voice for a couple of days, but I had a pulse and I could walk in a straight line…  ‘I am alive..therefore I am Midwife’

I am also self employed.. so the ‘pay as you go’ priniciple spurs you on x

Nurofen, Solpadol and Co. are still part of my life, but in a different context.    They numb the healing pain of my breasts and under my arms, but my brain is sharp and my spirit is rearing to go… not a good combination

Monday I saw a couple of beds that needed changing…piece of cake I thought until the sheer weight of the winter duvets knocked me back a day.

Yesterday…  desperate for mushrooms for a stroganoff I so desperately wanted to cook for the Man after his daily toil..I walked to the local shop.   I had to take my arms out of the heavy jacket I was wearing and hold on to my boobs all the way back under the shield of the coat…. Then look at my makeshift drug chart to see what drugs I could self administer when I got home. (  forget what and when ive taken them .. so they go on a post it note)

Slow down World.. I want to get Back On……

The Tunnel Effect

So now I’m on the other side of the tunnel that presented to me on Monday morning

The tunnel which I expected to be dark and unknown, frightening and daunting.  

What I got at the beginning of the tunnel was a team of people who took my shaking hand, and led me carefully, guiding my path with the light from their hearts and their dedication to their work.

I was given choice, dignity and the right kind of empathy tailored just for me and how I was feeling.

As I expected, I fell asleep and felt as if I had only been away for seconds when I woke on the other side, and although I knew I was talking in expletives, I couldn’t stop, and they didn’t mind.

My post operative care was a haze....... but one person seemed to move at normal time around me when everything else in the world sounded like a slowed down vinyl record…..   a male Student Nurse…’J’….   , who's natural caring ability and love of his work shone out through my drug induced haze...... even to the point where I heard him ask my husband if he was ok with him checking the dressings on my breasts…..

So reassured was I …..I chose him to help support me when I had my drains removed…… 

As with any ‘busmens holiday’ Its difficult as a health care professional, not to watch what people are doing and ask questions….  I was treated with professionalism and humour and I am grateful for being treated as a ‘person’ as well as a Midwife

So now it’s the next hurdle.. waiting for the results of my Sentinel Node biopsy,  until then I’ll chill and take each day as it comes….

 

Its not the cancer that makes me cry......

.........It’s the people who I have met over the last few weeks, who have given me such positive support, who I may never meet again

I had my eyes tested last week, and the retinopathy screener is 12 years post mastectomy survivor

My son’s  pastoral care school teacher I spoke to is 20 years post mastectomy survivor

Then there’s the people I will be seeing again, like the Breast care specialist nurses who have been honest with me and helped me understand my feelings and my future.

When I told them was worried that I was going to be in surgery for 4 hours…..  the reply From ‘L’ was  ‘ I promise we will take care of you’

Those are the words that I use when I care for my women, and I know I mean it when I say it, ...........so I know she means it too

Im on the other side of the fence now, and the positivity and care i'm getting is what I hope I have been giving to women since I qualified as a Midwife.....  and I realise even more how much those words and actions mean

That’s what makes me cry

A Bit Like a Salvador Dali Painting

Surreal... thats all i can say about how I am feeling at the moment

I have spent the weekend having some very bizarre emotions and situations

The first being.......not worrying about the prospect of my future, but thinking deep down that its not really happening, and I'm going to wake up... a bit like the last episode of Dallas in the 80's

Then talking to my GP about it whilst having a consultation about a back problem thats manifested itself....   poor man had to listen to 10 minutes of verbal diarhhorea on my psychological wellbeing and clinical fact

Saturday, I had a Facebook 'acquaintence' lower her head and walk to the other side of Oakham High Street in order not to meet my gaze...  and nearly got run over by a hefty 4 x 4 in the process

I also seem to be taking a keen interest in cooking....  home made mushroom soup, Key Lime Pie, Stir fry's from scratch and marinated whole chickens...   in a day  (the family are happy)

I'm also really bad at losing keys.. so much that my husband can't trust me with them, after finding them in bizarre places like the fridge, the dog biscuit bin and down the back of the hall radiator

Maybe its natural distraction, or maybe I'm going barmy....

My 22 year old assistant asked me if i was scared the other day,, just came out with it!!!  yes I am

Over the last week, ive been thinking about what i would like to say to my surgeon... a man of few words... which I hope is a good thing when I go under the knife

Ive written him a letter, but don't know whether i'll give it to him

Dear Mr. A

Today my breasts are in your hands

Although you have written on my notes ‘abnormally large breasts’ they have been my trademark for the last 40 years.

I can fill 2 sides of A4 paper with my ‘boob’ related nicknames, and I have been both taunted and complimented throughout my life 

I have always had to spend the equivalent of the national debt on good fitting bra’s, and being a size 20 top and size 16 bottom is a bit tricky when buying dresses

 

But even after all of this time, I have never wished to change them

I have been fortunate enough to have led a rich and colourful life so far

 

They have comforted lovers, husbands and babies.

They have caught crumbs while eating and watching TV

They have cushioned my landings when falling off my motor bike

I just want you to understand that they are a very important part of Me

 

Today you will change them for the rest of my life, and I worry that I will resemble the bride of Frankenstein, and have so many drains in situ that I will look like badly installed plumbing.

I worry that I will not be able to hug my husband and my sons for a long time

 

All I ask is that I enter your operating theatre as a breast cancer sufferer and leave it as a breast cancer survivor and that you will make sure that my dignity is preserved when I won’t be awake to observe it.

Well......Now You Know

cancer......  spelt with a small 'c' because it doesn't deserve to have a capital letter ........

I am now part of the statistics that report that 1 in 8 women are diagnosed with breast cancer thoughout their lifetime, and 8 out of 10 women are diagnosed in their 50's

I have breast cancer... its small, detected early by chance (i thought i had a lump in my right breast.. they found one in the left) and the prognosis is excellent.
However, I have had painful biopsies, a week of anxiety waiting for the results, and felt a strange feeling of relief when I was told the diagnosis.

The procedures I will have in a couple of weeks will take me to the other side of this, but it doesn't mean I'm not scared of what I will be going through.

I have had to tell my kids.. both teenagers, who seem to have taken it well, but I still worry that they are keeping a brave face for me.

As a Midwife, I know I will be a crap patient, I will not be passive and compliant...just like many of the women I care for who happen to be Health Care Professionals, I will be a pain.

I have tried the forums to seek some comfort and support, but all I see are other peoples fears and complex technical jargon that scares the bejeezus out of me, so this blog is hopefully going to help me get through the process, knowing that I can write my thoughts and feelings down..

This way I can say what I want, and its your choice whether you want to read it