Sounding the All Clear

Its been a while since I posted here, and although I got good news over a week ago.. I have only just had the mental energy to write again.

After all of the trauma and turmoil of diagnosis and radical surgery, I wasn’t thinking much about the lymph node and tissue margin biopsy results, because they were a week away……. When all of a sudden , I got a call from the hospital to go in the next day to see the consultant.

The day came and husband took the day off…trying to keep me busy with online shopping and list making for our new house.   The journey in the car was full of useless chatter between us and we arrived at the unit on time.

What went through my head was ‘they are only going to tell me today what they would have told me next week’  and ‘in 20 minutes it will be all over’  but it didn’t make me feel any less nauseous and dizzy.

Clinic was running late and we were finally ushered into a room… not the sitting room with the big box of tissues on the low coffee table from DFS that will always stick in my mind, but the consulting room next door.  I was greeted by a very smiling and upbeat senior registrar and not the consultant….. 2 things in my favour I thought.

It was like a slow motion film, as we were both invited to sit down, with the breast care nurse hovering at the curtains, then a stop of silence as visual contact with the doctor made me feel like I was awaiting some kind of sentence… and the decision was in that pile of pink paper she was steadying on the desk

Silence broke..

“I am not going to ask you how you are Marion, because I can see in your eyes that you just want the verdict.    Its good news…  7 Lymph nodes clear, Tissue Margins clear, Tissue from right breast clear.  We want you to take Tamoxifen to suppress any oestrogen production and to make doubly sure, we want to give you a few weeks of radiotherapy when you are healed”  Its amazing how I remember and savour every word she said.

The reason I was called in early was because they were inundated with new cases, and there was a gap, where the consultant thought I would like to hear the good news earlier.

I know that there is a chance that it can return.. but for now, I am no longer a sufferer ..but a survivor

The World Keeps Spinning Whilst I sit Still

Recuperation is not in my vocabulary…

Over Christmas and New Year, I had the mother of all colds, and I carried on working with the assistance of Messrs. Sudafed and Nurofen….   I didn’t have a voice for a couple of days, but I had a pulse and I could walk in a straight line…  ‘I am alive..therefore I am Midwife’

I am also self employed.. so the ‘pay as you go’ priniciple spurs you on x

Nurofen, Solpadol and Co. are still part of my life, but in a different context.    They numb the healing pain of my breasts and under my arms, but my brain is sharp and my spirit is rearing to go… not a good combination

Monday I saw a couple of beds that needed changing…piece of cake I thought until the sheer weight of the winter duvets knocked me back a day.

Yesterday…  desperate for mushrooms for a stroganoff I so desperately wanted to cook for the Man after his daily toil..I walked to the local shop.   I had to take my arms out of the heavy jacket I was wearing and hold on to my boobs all the way back under the shield of the coat…. Then look at my makeshift drug chart to see what drugs I could self administer when I got home. (  forget what and when ive taken them .. so they go on a post it note)

Slow down World.. I want to get Back On……

The Tunnel Effect

So now I’m on the other side of the tunnel that presented to me on Monday morning

The tunnel which I expected to be dark and unknown, frightening and daunting.  

What I got at the beginning of the tunnel was a team of people who took my shaking hand, and led me carefully, guiding my path with the light from their hearts and their dedication to their work.

I was given choice, dignity and the right kind of empathy tailored just for me and how I was feeling.

As I expected, I fell asleep and felt as if I had only been away for seconds when I woke on the other side, and although I knew I was talking in expletives, I couldn’t stop, and they didn’t mind.

My post operative care was a haze....... but one person seemed to move at normal time around me when everything else in the world sounded like a slowed down vinyl record…..   a male Student Nurse…’J’….   , who's natural caring ability and love of his work shone out through my drug induced haze...... even to the point where I heard him ask my husband if he was ok with him checking the dressings on my breasts…..

So reassured was I …..I chose him to help support me when I had my drains removed…… 

As with any ‘busmens holiday’ Its difficult as a health care professional, not to watch what people are doing and ask questions….  I was treated with professionalism and humour and I am grateful for being treated as a ‘person’ as well as a Midwife

So now it’s the next hurdle.. waiting for the results of my Sentinel Node biopsy,  until then I’ll chill and take each day as it comes….